Humorous Quotes

Prepare
"It usually takes me two or three weeks to prepare an impromptu speech."
- Mark Twain

A Little Beer is a Dangerous Thing
"A little beer is a dangerous thing."
- Alexander Pope

Best Things 2
"The best things in life aren't things."
- Art Buchwald

I Never Drink Water; That is the Stuff That Rusts Pipes
"I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes."
- W.C. Fields

A Woman's Guess
"A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty."
- Rudyard Kipling

Age is an Issue of Mind over Matter
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
- Mark Twain

A Rich Man is Nothing
"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."
- W.C. Fields

A Good Cigar
"A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke."
- Rudyard Kipling

Thinking Alike
"If everyone is thinking alike then somebody isn't thinking."
- George S. Patton, Jr.

Patience
"I'm extraordinarily patient provided I get my way in the end."
- Margaret Thatcher

Peter's Laws
The Creed of the Sociopathic Obsessive Compulsive
1. If anything can go wrong, Fix It!! (To hell with Murphy!)
2. When given a choice -- Take Both!!
3. Multiple projects lead to multiple successes.
4. Start at the top then work your way up.
5. Do it by the book ... but be the author!
6. When forced to compromise, ask for more.
7. If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them.
8. If it's worth doing, it's got to be done right now.
9. If you can't win, change the rules.
10. If you can't change the rules, then ignore them.
11. Perfection is not optional.
12. When faced without a challenge, make one.
13. "No" simply means begin again at one level higher.
14. Don't walk when you can run.
15. Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude, a tolerance for stupidity,
and a bulldozer when necessary.
16. When in doubt: THINK!
17. Patience is a virtue, but persistence to the point of success is a blessing.
18. The squeaky wheel gets replaced.
19. The faster you move, the slower time passes, the longer you live.
20. The best way to predict the future is to create it yourself!
- Peter H. Diamandis